After a recent conversation with a visitor here at the church, I was intrigued by how the conversation began and the eventual direction in which it went. He was obviously struggling with some things in his life. After we talked for a while, I was amazed at how much insight and self-knowledge he had. It was clear to me that he has spent much of his life trying to understand why he does the things he does. It was also clear that having that knowledge does not ensure that a person will change their actions or behavior based upon what they know to be true. In fact, self-knowledge and awareness of the wrong choices that we continually make might even serve to convince ourselves that we really have no choice and that this is who we are and we might as well accept it. Many of the people I meet regularly have accepted that their life is as it should be.
Many of the things that we pursue to make us “feel better”, often do. In my friend’s case, drugs and alcohol worked for a long period of time. By “work” I mean that they made him feel better than he felt had he had not used them. People who rely on that sense of contentment that they receive from the various external things in life eventually discover that over time the affect diminishes. What seems to bring peace and comfort, if they are honest they realize that somewhere along the way, that peace and comfort is no longer there. My visitor, knowing this, asked me, “Why do I keep doing it knowing that it no longer works?” We keep doing it because we first have a powerful sense of hope that it will once again work or we have a strong sense of faith that it will continue to work. Why have these two theological virtues served to facilitate the downfall of my visitor? The answer is that what we often think we desire is not what we desire at all. The desire for contentment, comfort, and peace can only be found in God.
As St. Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they find rest in Thee.” Drugs, alcohol, money, sex, food…you name it, though they may seem to offer “rest” it is always temporary; it is never complete and it eventually results in no rest at all. The rest that we all seek is found in relationship with God. If only we could come to truly know this before we try all the other things, I would have far less…perhaps no visitors at all.
Ultimately, I am called to point people towards the eternal; to help them find their way. Those that live on the streets, for various reasons, most often need those directions but they do not have a monopoly on that need. Many others are in need as well. My visitor that day had lost his way and he knew it. So many others have yet to discover it.
It has been about a week and I have not seen him again. Maybe he finally has accepted that what he is seeking cannot be found at the bottom of a bottle or behind the door at a drug house…maybe he is right now praying somewhere and thanking God that he has finally discovered his true unknown desire. Maybe he has found the very broad road that will lead to narrower streets. I can only hope that this is the case.
Someone else is knocking…